thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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