Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
