we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You did what with his pubic hair?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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