you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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