i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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