Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
