i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
