I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
