I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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