I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
