I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
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So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
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I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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