My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
