update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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