I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
