Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
