Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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