I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
