I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
