I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
He passed out mid-signature
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
