I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
My vagina just recognized that song.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
