I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
