just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
