and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
