he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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