party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
