so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
that may or may not have been my penis.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
