I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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