So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
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You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
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Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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