is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
