I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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