thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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