its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
