I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
