I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Floor bacon is actually really good
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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