Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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