I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
