i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
