WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
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