Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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