i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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