I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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