At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
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