fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Randomize
