I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
