the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
