i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
