I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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