i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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