A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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