Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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