Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
