they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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