You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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