You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
