I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
