Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
