Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
